17 Signs that he may be a batterer

• One in four woman will be hit by their partner in a life time.
• Woman 15 to 44 suffer more injuries in domestic violence than car accidents
• 1994- 2004 22 Kern County Children witnessed 1 or both parents murdered/ suicide.
• The more times a woman leaves the relationship the more likely she is to stay away.
• It takes 5 to 10 times for the victim to leave before they really stay away.

Signs to look for in a Battering Personality

1. Jealousy: at the beginning of a relationship an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the woman about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her frequently or drop by unexpectedly. the abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.
2. Controlling behavior: at first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for the woman's safety and well being. The abuser will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or elsewhere and will question her closely about where she went, to whom she spoke, etc. As the behavior gets worse the abuser may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. Quick involvement: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. an abuser comes on like a whirl-wind claiming "You're the only person I could ever talk to". "I've never felt lived like this by anyone". The abuser will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel very guilty or feel that she is "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break-off the relationship.
4. Unrealistic expectations: abusive ppl will expect their partner to meet all of their needs; the abuser expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend and will say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need-- you're all I need". She is supposed to take care of everything for the abuser emotionally and in the home.
5. Isolation: The abusive person tries to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has men friends, she's a whore; if she has women friends she's a lesbian; if she's close to her family she's "tired to the apron strings". The abuser accuses ppl who are the woman's support of "causing trouble". the abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let the woman use the car or have one that is reliable, or may try to keep the woman from working, going to school or church.
6. Blames others for problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him; someone is always doing him wrong. The abuser will tell the woman that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. Blames others for feelings: The abuser will tell the woman "You make me so mad". "I can't help being angry". The abuser really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels but will use feelings to manipulate the woman.
8. Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he is really mad or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen--things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, being told a behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
9. Cruelty to animals & children: This person who kills or punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things that are way beyond their ability or abuser may tease children until they cry.
10. "Playful" use of force in sex: This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless and will let her know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate her into compliance. the abuser may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
11. Verbal abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, running down her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
12. Rigid sex roles: The abuser expects the woman to serve him, perhaps saying that he woman must stay at home that she must obey in all things--even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
13. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" mood changes--they may think that the abuser has some mental problem because one minute the abuser is really nice and the next minute exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of ppl who abuse their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

**the following four signs are found in those who are certainly batterers.

14. Past battering: An abuser may say that he has hit women in the past but it was the woman's fault or it was only one time. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with if the woman is with them long enough for violence to begin: situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

15. Threat of Violence: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the woman; "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying that "everybody talks like that".

16. Breaking or striking objects: This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possession) but is used mostly to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near the woman. Again this is a very remarkable behavior--not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten his partner.

17. Any force during an argument: this may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the woman against the wall and say "You're going to listen to me"!

If a person has several (three or more) of these behaviors there is a strong potential for physical violence-- the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). In the beginning these behaviors can be "explained" by the batterer as love and concern. However, as time goes on these behaviors become more extreme and serve to establish, keep, and strengthen power and control over the victim.

(Information taken from Project for Victims of Family Violence, Inc. )

Myths:

• The victim can just leave
• It was a moment in anger
• Only happens in poor families
• The battered person is the only victim

Cycle of Violence: there are 3 phases

1. Tension building phase: couples get into arguments batterer is angry and looking for a reason to beat the victim. It starts with verbal abuse and the victim blames them self which leads to depressed learning, helplessness, and anxiety.
2. Acute Battering: when the batterer hits the victim. It starts with a push or a shove and as the wheel goes around the batterer starts hitting in a Christmas tree pattern avoiding the face and arms and focusing on the places that are usually covered and unseen.
3. Honeymoon period: the Loving reconciliation where he gives you the flowers and gifts and tells you that he loves you before you start the cycle all over again.